- Canadians Shopping (Day-Before-Hurricane Edition):
"Oh no, I insist!"
"No, I couldn’t!"
"GO FIRST OR I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU!"
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82
- I’m glad they pushed Michael Jackson’s funeral back another week because this whole thing has been feeling way too rushed.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 69
- Cheap wine is for the birds. Related: CHIRP CHIRP I AM HAMMERED.
@CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58
- Get thee behind me, Satan. Wouldst thou rub some of this sunblock on mine shoulders? Mmm, thy claws feel good. Oops, my top hath fallen off.
@sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 56
- I’m not obsessive-compulsive, but this toilet paper roll is on backwards.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 43
- I changed a baby’s diaper today and she had a totally shaved vagina. What a country!
@SarahKSilverman (Sarah Silverman) – 39
- Who’s got two thumbs and just sold his novel to Scribner’s?
Yep, my friend Lou. I hate him so much right now.
@Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 39
- My balls are like cotton candy and come in a variety of refreshing flavors. Just ask your mom.
@Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 38
- Woke from dreaming the roof was leaking just in time to stop the poodle from throwing up on the rug. I wanted to be a spy when I grew up.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 36
- Shooting fish in a barrel isn’t really that easy.
You have to know about Snell’s law and refractive indices.
@EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 34
- I woke up naked with scratches on my chest, a pocket full of nacho cheese and a midget making me breakfast. Oh yeah, Tequila.
@roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34
- Courage is admitting the fart was yours.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33
- Profoundly funny tweet #3480703315 (?)
@stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 33
- If the camera adds ten pounds
does that mean Calista Flockhart is invisible?
@awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 32
- Awful lot of door-to-door evangelists this weekend. Maybe they’re running a sale on Jesus.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 32
- I made the mistake of calling the H1N1 virus ‘N1H1’ in an earlier tweet. I think we all know that if it was N1H1, everyone would be dead.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 31
- My dad-authority gives me veto power over capricious household rules like “Special K is for adults and Chocolate Lucky Charms are for kids.”
@CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31
- The Hasbro Pink Ouija Board for children ages 8 and up. Introducing young girls to Satan for the low low price of $19.99!
@damselesque (Beth) – 30
- My yak milk brings all the Bulgans to the yurt.
@InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 29
- While spirituality and faith occupy modest roles in my life, I believe with unshakable certainty that Burger King is a panty sniffer.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 29